Thinking about eating
So, my purpose of blogging though my weight loss journey has a few purposes. When I get to goal 1, 2, 3, and eventually I get to my goal weight I want to be able to read over my blogs and realize how far I have come. I want it to motivate me to keep striving to be the best version of myself and never give up. Also, I want to inspire other people. If I can lose weight then anyone can.
Lets rewind to high school. A close friend and I used to do every single weight loss fad there was: the cabbage soup diet, grapefruit diet, rubbing a concoction of olive oil and red wine vinegar on our fat. We lost and gained weight. I had thin and fat clothes. We smelled of cabbagen and salad, depending on the week. At the time I didn't fully understand being healthy and weight loss. At one point I was down to 120 points and I still thought I had weight to lose. It didn't help to have thin friends who made comments when I was in my fat pants (150 pounds) that lingered in my head no matter how thin I got. I was addicted to the scale and an eating disorder.
The disorder took over for a while and my mom was concerned but I denied anything was wrong. I really didn't think anything was wrong. I was obsessed with eating. Even though I was skinny I always thought about what I could and couldn't eat. I hated eating out because I didn't want someone to see me and think, "look at that fat girl eating pizza." Everything I did was calculated according to what I would be eating.
Now, I weigh much more than that. I don't like taking a deeper look at myself. You know what? I am still obsessed with food. What I can and can't eat; what I should and shouldn't eat. I still hate eating out because I just know that someone across the restaurant is thinking, "look at that fat girl eating pizza."
I hate facing that the weight gain didn't change anything but my disorders name. It used to be bulimia and switched to binge eating. The thing about bulimia is that you can eat normally, but then just binge and purge. The problem is that when you stop purging you gain weight like I did. I don't eat like 3 donuts at a time, but I do over eat. It's tough to face it because I like to be in control and this is not in control. That was what I loved about being bulimic (hear me out). I was in control. I binged and purged as I wanted to. However, taking a step back I realize that I wasn't really in control. I felt like I was but reality the disorder was.
I want to be thin and healthy. I want to weigh what I used to, but I long to not be obsessed with food. I want to eat the right foods and be like people I know who don't obsess. They eat, exercise and live life without obsessing.
I have had another dream for a while. I dream to be at my goal weight, healthy, free of my diagnosis and of any eating disorder. I want a tattoo that says, "freedom," and in my heart I want to feel that way.
HJ
Resources if you know someone who needs help:
http://nedawareness.org/about-eating-disorders
National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2.23-3.1.2014
Lets rewind to high school. A close friend and I used to do every single weight loss fad there was: the cabbage soup diet, grapefruit diet, rubbing a concoction of olive oil and red wine vinegar on our fat. We lost and gained weight. I had thin and fat clothes. We smelled of cabbagen and salad, depending on the week. At the time I didn't fully understand being healthy and weight loss. At one point I was down to 120 points and I still thought I had weight to lose. It didn't help to have thin friends who made comments when I was in my fat pants (150 pounds) that lingered in my head no matter how thin I got. I was addicted to the scale and an eating disorder.
The disorder took over for a while and my mom was concerned but I denied anything was wrong. I really didn't think anything was wrong. I was obsessed with eating. Even though I was skinny I always thought about what I could and couldn't eat. I hated eating out because I didn't want someone to see me and think, "look at that fat girl eating pizza." Everything I did was calculated according to what I would be eating.
Now, I weigh much more than that. I don't like taking a deeper look at myself. You know what? I am still obsessed with food. What I can and can't eat; what I should and shouldn't eat. I still hate eating out because I just know that someone across the restaurant is thinking, "look at that fat girl eating pizza."
I hate facing that the weight gain didn't change anything but my disorders name. It used to be bulimia and switched to binge eating. The thing about bulimia is that you can eat normally, but then just binge and purge. The problem is that when you stop purging you gain weight like I did. I don't eat like 3 donuts at a time, but I do over eat. It's tough to face it because I like to be in control and this is not in control. That was what I loved about being bulimic (hear me out). I was in control. I binged and purged as I wanted to. However, taking a step back I realize that I wasn't really in control. I felt like I was but reality the disorder was.
I want to be thin and healthy. I want to weigh what I used to, but I long to not be obsessed with food. I want to eat the right foods and be like people I know who don't obsess. They eat, exercise and live life without obsessing.
I have had another dream for a while. I dream to be at my goal weight, healthy, free of my diagnosis and of any eating disorder. I want a tattoo that says, "freedom," and in my heart I want to feel that way.
HJ
Resources if you know someone who needs help:
http://nedawareness.org/about-eating-disorders
National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2.23-3.1.2014
Comments
Post a Comment